18 feels the same

we are all so lost.

that’s the only thing i know i know.

being a kid is so scary.

i keep staying up all night,

listening to the same song for seven hours

so many times the beat is permanently ingrained in my mind

the next day i find myself tapping along on anything i can

with bags under my eyes just as heavy as my soul

and my mind racing, terrified of not becoming anything

the truth is i still don’t know who i am

but i have to pretend i do

because no matter how many times i’m told its okay

i’m just a kid

it never feels real

it feels like im falling behind in a race i can’t win

so i just sit on my bed

lights off

wrapped in memories of things i lost

and i write frantically

all the feelings making my chest tight

seeing them on a page makes them feel smaller

 

i still feel like i can only write in cliches

 

at least they’re mine

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2am

i’ve always said i write best late at night

something about the quiet

the stillness

they wrap me in their arms

 

from the safety of 2 am i feel like the only person in the world

everything seems so small

 

it’s so easy to forgive and forget lying awake with only your thoughts beside you

the world moves too fast but for the first time i think i can keep up

you used to tell yourself you could never do all the things you’ve already done

you got the hole in your nose lined up exactly

to match the one in your heart

and at night you lie awake wondering how it was that you got here

but you’re happy

for the first time in a while you feel like somebody that could be you

 

you’ve found yourself

 

the happy moments last longer than the sad ones

and everything is easier to shake off

and you whisper tender words onto a page at all hours of the night

to remind yourself that it’s gonna be alright

i’m learning to find beauty in things lost

my heart tonight feels blank

i have to start over

write a new story on it

fix it

make it capable of beating on its own

 

but it hurts unbearably to tear off the pieces of what was there before

i have to go through them all

piece by piece

reliving every moment

every touch

every word that now seems obsolete

 

whispers of memories that i hold closest

they slip through my hands

blown away by winds of change

 

i know time heals all wounds

but me and time aren’t exactly friends

this feels eternal

 

when is it over

tell me this has to finish somewhere

a reminder to myself and you too.

hold on to the edge of this building it feels you’re falling off of,

this will pass,

I know the wind is blowing

your hands slip,

I know the ground is millions of miles away.

 

you have the strength to pull yourself up

step by step

slowly and surely

 

have hope

so much hope it transforms the you that’s falling

so much so that it’s not you anymore

you’re different,

you’ve changed

 

you can make it, you already have.

resist.

resist.

beauty is inherent
fills every bit of the universe
skies dotted with memories of dying stars
parted lips
blooms of color reaching out from under a crack in cold hard concrete
it begs to be seen
doesn’t settle for the way things are
comes out when least expected
reminds you of days you used to wish you had forgotten but now want back

beauty loves like no other
makes your heart flutter
washes over you in waves
makes you think of cold nights and seemingly endless days

remember when you saw it?
embraced it?
when everything was joy, when you hadn’t lost the will to empathize

you have to

for the sake of this insanely odd planet

you have to promise love and beauty will never just be unattainable concepts

you must be it
become it

until everyone around you finally accepts it as the norm.

1/3/17 

1/3/17 

Life is strange. I think that’s just about the only sentence I can think of to describe this past year. It’s crazy, and unexpected, and sometimes I’d really like life to be a person so we could fight. I’m surviving though, although there’s been absolutely no shortage of my heart being tossed around and completely wrecked. 

This past week I’ve been extremely reflective about this past year, and how it’s felt like everything and nothing all at once. It felt like it lasted ages in the moment, yet looking back now it really just flew by. I’m finding time seems to go by faster the older I get. This year wrecked me, but in that it also helped me realize a lot of things, the biggest being my own self worth and the fact that I definitely don’t give myself enough credit sometimes. (As the wise Kylie Jenner once said…2016 was the year of like….realizing things.) 

I constantly fell in love this year. I fell in love with people, how they work, how different yet similar we all are. My heart for others grew, I know for a fact I’m way more compassionate and caring than I was a year ago. I’ve learned to grow in patience and understanding, and that’s something I hold so valuable. I fell in love with a boy (no one tell him), and he’s the best, he keeps me rational, we have good times. I fell in love with music, and how many feelings it can evoke, how words can carry so much weight and so many different meanings for different people. Words! There’s another thing I fell in love with. This year I discovered writing was something I’m extremely passionate about. I’m not exactly the most structured or sophisticated (see above),but I love it, and it keeps me sane. 

I ended my 2016 in Kansas City celebrating my birthday with some of my best friends. (IM 17 NOW!!!! Officially the dancing queen, young and sweet.) Reflecting on the roller coaster the year has taken me on, there’s been a lot of pain, like a ridiculous amount,,,,,,,, like come on life why’d you do me like that? BUT, there’s been joy too, and endless experiences that I would never change for the world. I wouldn’t have 2016 be any different, because every moment shaped me into who I am more and more every day. 

I’ll leave you with a playlist of songs that got me through 2016, I’ve rediscovered, or I’ve just fallen in love with. They’re all different, but they make my heart warm for different reasons, I hope they do the same for you. 

💖

p.s. Make 2017 yours, I believe in you.