everything is different and the same

i’ve always been pretty spazzy. my balance is a wreck (i can and will fall over out of nowhere) and i run into things a lot. i talk too fast, almost as  if i don’t get a thought out fast enough someone will be quick to cut it off. i stumble over my words often, tripping over letters and sounds until it’s all just a big blur coming out of my mouth. when i get excited about things i do a little jump thing while i talk. i’ve been told it’s endearing, but i’m not quite sure when it stops being so and i’m expected to grow up a bit.

lately i’ve struggled with knowing what exactly constitutes growing up. i’ve stated im 18 now more times than i can count, but it’s intentional, because for some reason i can’t bring myself to believe it. for some reason what’s expected of me is more confusing than ever. any time i sit down and write lately, all i can seem to say is how much i hate it.

the feeling comes and goes, the uncertainty and wonder keeping me awake. some days it’s gone entirely, some days i feel the full weight of it resting on my chest and my shoulders.

i fall in and out of love with myself constantly, deciding which one it is each morning only to have it change by that night. blah blah blah, no one understands me. is that unhealthy? i don’t know.

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lying awake listening to the same song on repeat again

it’s getting close to midnight again and only the sound of my keyboard is keeping me company.

nothing has changed in about a month.

i don’t want to say i’m not happy, because i am.

happier than i’ve been in a while.

more and more comfortable in my own skin with each day that passes.

i just have these moments every time i can’t sleep

where every memory i’ve ever made comes rushing back,

and my chest tightens the same way it did in october.

back when the cold still drove us to keep each other warm

and the weight of growing up still hadn’t fully settled in.

i wanna say i’ll stop being nostalgic someday,

but i think i know better by now.

18 feels the same

we are all so lost.

that’s the only thing i know i know.

being a kid is so scary.

i keep staying up all night,

listening to the same song for seven hours

so many times the beat is permanently ingrained in my mind

the next day i find myself tapping along on anything i can

with bags under my eyes just as heavy as my soul

and my mind racing, terrified of not becoming anything

the truth is i still don’t know who i am

but i have to pretend i do

because no matter how many times i’m told its okay

i’m just a kid

it never feels real

it feels like im falling behind in a race i can’t win

so i just sit on my bed

lights off

wrapped in memories of things i lost

and i write frantically

all the feelings making my chest tight

seeing them on a page makes them feel smaller

 

i still feel like i can only write in cliches

 

at least they’re mine

2am

i’ve always said i write best late at night

something about the quiet

the stillness

they wrap me in their arms

 

from the safety of 2 am i feel like the only person in the world

everything seems so small

 

it’s so easy to forgive and forget lying awake with only your thoughts beside you

the world moves too fast but for the first time i think i can keep up

you used to tell yourself you could never do all the things you’ve already done

you got the hole in your nose lined up exactly

to match the one in your heart

and at night you lie awake wondering how it was that you got here

but you’re happy

for the first time in a while you feel like somebody that could be you

 

you’ve found yourself

 

the happy moments last longer than the sad ones

and everything is easier to shake off

and you whisper tender words onto a page at all hours of the night

to remind yourself that it’s gonna be alright

i’m learning to find beauty in things lost

my heart tonight feels blank

i have to start over

write a new story on it

fix it

make it capable of beating on its own

 

but it hurts unbearably to tear off the pieces of what was there before

i have to go through them all

piece by piece

reliving every moment

every touch

every word that now seems obsolete

 

whispers of memories that i hold closest

they slip through my hands

blown away by winds of change

 

i know time heals all wounds

but me and time aren’t exactly friends

this feels eternal

 

when is it over

tell me this has to finish somewhere

a reminder to myself and you too.

hold on to the edge of this building it feels you’re falling off of,

this will pass,

I know the wind is blowing

your hands slip,

I know the ground is millions of miles away.

 

you have the strength to pull yourself up

step by step

slowly and surely

 

have hope

so much hope it transforms the you that’s falling

so much so that it’s not you anymore

you’re different,

you’ve changed

 

you can make it, you already have.